My Own Personal Paradox

     How about a Phun Phact about Phil? (See what I did there?!) ….yeah, feel free to slap me next time you see me. It’s warranted.  Anyways, here it is: I absolutely love attention.  I’ll throw in another fact for free! I absolutely hate attention.  It appears that I have discovered I am my own walking, talking, shy, and attention loving paradox.

     In school I was taught that acting is in fact full of paradoxes. So I suppose it should come as a relief and of no surprise that I have discovered one about myself.  It just really doesn’t make sense and both sides do battle valiantly with each other.  I mean, what is more terrifying than having a room of people listen and hang off of every word you say? Nothing! Yet what is more thrilling than having a room of people listen and hang off every word you say? Nothing!  If I can find a way to make a room of people laugh at something I said I feel like I’m in heaven, I really do.

     

     I think this is a fight that “attention lover” has really began to take the edge in.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not someone who will say something bad about myself and hope people respond to me with “Oh no! You’re great; don’t say stuff like that about yourself.”  I am someone who will do my best to make people laugh, or I will work my butt off to get noticed and praised.  Yet that is where this wonderful paradox kicks in the most. Praise is the worst. I hate being complimented. It just makes me feel bleh, uncomfortable.  That’s the proof that I will never say anything fishing for compliments.

     As an actor it would be dangerous for me to be too far on the shy side.  How could I ever act if I was afraid of talking to groups of people, or afraid of people seeing me on a screen? I think two years of being taught to dive in to everything in life has certainly helped me keep the shyness at bay.  *Flashback* The year: 2005. Phil Hoffman was in grade 8! Grade 8 I was too afraid to even socialize with girls!

Yes. I used to look like that.

      *Return* The Year: 2020 …..Woops! Too far. I need to figure this time travel out a little more…

     The year: 2013. That’s better! Welcome back to 2013! Well that was an adventure.  Little insecure Philip was adorable….and pathetic. But here we are in the wonderful year of 2013 and I am a confident, young man! I went from not being able to talk to girls to many of my good friends being girls! It’s amazing how high school, life, college, and reality can all transform someone like me!

It's like I'm in thought or something. I'm sooooo deep.

     So here I am. 21 years old. Shy. Attention loving. The battle between the two will never end. I’m still uncomfortable meeting a new group of people. I’ve just gotten better at tricking myself into thinking I’m not!  But if people are willing to give their attention I will always take it from them gladly. 

Thanks for reading!

Phil